What would I say?

For the last year and a half, we've had a tumultuous time, you and I.

Even tho I said I didn't necessarily wait for you...I did.

Why didn't I hug you goodbye tonight? Why? Really? I didn't want to start the conversation at this time, with you being as drunk as you were and in front of friends. But really? Hmmm...where shall one begin?

Let's see. Valentine's Day. After almost a year and a half of not knowing what your deal is, you admit (finally) that yes, you DO have feelings for me. You keep saying "Just don't hurt me, don't hurt me." You ask would I date someone who was unemployed? How far am I willing to travel in regards to dating. And again, you stressed, don't hurt me.

Then, my birthday. Apparently I got rowdy. I don't remember really saying anything. You said I got aggressive. I apologized. You said it was fine.

Then, you drop off the face of the earth. Our last conversation was (via text) you telling me how you weren't feeling well and you prefer to be ignored and just wallow in your own misery. I wished you well and left you alone.

Three weeks go by. THREE WEEKS. NOTHING. No phone calls, no texts, no communication what-so-ever.

Until tonight.

At first, we avoid one another. Then slowly, one may linger in the room where the other is. Finally, words are spoken between one another. Just idle generic chit-chat. Meanwhile, I'm DYING to yell at you, tell you how you hurt me, ask you WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?!

Did you freak out? Admitting you had feelings for me too much? Was it a test, to see how I'd respond/react to you? Did I fail?

I walked in the room when you were talking to your friend. You and he were engaged in conversation, heads close together. When you see me, you pop up, give me a shit eating grin like, "No...we weren't just talking about you" and just sit there awkwardly. Unable to continue in conversation.

I just don't get you. I really, really don't. Why am I so angry? Because. I waited. Every time I was ready to give you up, throw in the towel, say "This is it. I'm REALLY done..." you'd pull something. Say you wanted to see more of me, hint that maybe you were coming around. Of course you were mostly drunk when saying this...surprise surprise. (Hindsight is always 20/20)

I am just hurt. And angry. I really liked you. I wanted to be there for you, listen to you, support you. I would have been your biggest fan and cheerleader.

But you wouldn't let me in. Too afraid of getting hurt. Well guess what, I was the one who got hurt. Not you. But that's not the point. My pain-nothing. You-walk away unscathed.

It's sad. I saw so much in you. I thought you were going to be different. You were intellectual, you had a wit about you. It was nice to have someone to talk to about books and movies and life in general. With you, I thought it was different. You weren't just after sex. You weren't like the others. You might actually like me.

Ha. Was I wrong.

I'm just really really angry. How can you just disappear after a conversation like we had on Valentine's Day? Sure, I freaked out (or whatever) on my birthday. But rather than talk about it or try to rationalize my actions, you just drop it and run.

And then wonder why I didn't want to hug you goodbye tonight? Did you really have to think about that one? Did you really think that you would have something over me forever? That I'd take it again and again, because, well, I had in the past? A person can only take so much. And I've taken enough. In your own words, "I'm done, son."

I wish you well. I really, really do. You're a likable guy. You may not see it, but you are a decent human being. As long as someone isn't romantically interested in you. Ha.

I hope someday you find someone you're willing to take a risk on. I was going to say I'm sorry it couldn't be me. But I'm not. I don't know if I would have been able to, not make you happy, but be what you need. I'm sure there's someone out there for you. And I know, I can see you'd be a great boyfriend. If they're worth the risk to you. I just hope, in protecting yourself, you don't let someone really great pass you by.

Best wishes my darling. May you one day find happiness, whatever that may be...