Anybody still reading here? Ha.

Wow. It's been awhile since I've written. I've been really busy with school and life. More school than life...which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I still find time to hang out...sometimes less than others, but I still have to make "me" time.

So I finished my first semester with school. And lemme tell you, not what I expected. I thought I'd just breeze thru, seeing as I've been doing this job for 11 years. And in some areas, sure, not a problem. But I didn't expect the challenges from certain teachers. The tests, what each one wanted in regards to answers (some would take anything...others wanted TEXTBOOK answers). Amazing.

I feel like I passed this semester. I sure pray I passed this semester. I just checked my grades online. Got 2 A's and a B so far. Suspect I'll have 2 C's in the other classes. Going into finals I had high C's in both classes, and I feel good about the finals and such. Kinda wish I had done better, but this was my first time dealing with Large Animal (cows, pigs, and the such), and my first experience with a certain teacher and his expectations. I'm gonna have a rough year and a half left. Just gonna have to memorize Scientific names, Genus and species and all that jazz. Sigh. I'm just more of a visual person. Guess I can just print pix of what I need to know and put the scientific names on them...meh.

So...what else? Work...ah yes. Work. Where shall one begin? I stop in yesterday after having most of the week off for finals. I'm there for about an hour. I'm waiting for Deanna to come in as she's been in Florida and to pick up some gifts she's purchased for me. Things seem alright. The Man is fine, but then gets in a mood. Lord only knows what set him off THIS time.

So De comes in. We're chatting. The Man calls us into an exam room along with the "Head Tech" and begins to rip into us. Apparently the fact that we're friends and get along well at work is a problem. He's had complaints, but didn't go into what the complaints actually said. I'm smelling bullshit at this point. So I'm pissed, and I know my body language is showing it. I don't really give a fuck at this point. Work has changed so much over the last month I really don't want to be there anymore. And now they're telling me I can't work with the one person that makes work more bearable.
And it's not a matter of things not getting done. We do our work. He can't, CAN'T argue that shit. But just, our friendship apparently is "Annoying."

Aw...are people feeling left out? What the fuck...are we in third grade here? Are people upset because we're not sharing our milk and cookies? Fuck that shit, dude. I like my job...per say. I like some of the people I work with...altho now I'm rethinking certain people. I can't trust anyone other than myself. Which I guess is true, I mean, in actuality you really can't trust anyone completely other than yourself. But you could at least rely on some people. I like WHAT I do. Who I do it with and for is another story.

Yeah yeah...I know. Find another job then. But in this failing economy I can't get a job making what I make and that promises me insurance and flexible schedule. And really, with as little as I've been working due to school I CAN'T take anymore of a pay cut than I have already.

But I'm not gonna NOT look. Just don't expect much to pan out from it.

I just don't like my job. It's not fun at work anymore. You should at least like what you do. It's just changing, and not for the good. There's all these new bullshit rules and regulations. I don't want to get into it. I'm just getting angry.

I'm pissed cuz I can't work with the one person I work really well with. The one person that made me look forward to work. De and I work together well. We help each other out, we get shit done. One will fill in for the other, I'll jump in when she needs a hand and vice versa. And it's not like we won't do that for anyone else. But apparently that's not how other people see it, if that bullshit is even true and I really don't think it is.

Fuck it. I'm just gonna go in and do my job. I'm not gonna chat with anyone. If someone wants to talk I'm just gonna tell them that I'm here to do my job, not socialize. And if I piss people off then fuck them. Cuz they're the ones that ruined me. I'm in no way giving in or letting them break me. I'm just gonna go along with their little bullshit system and fuck them because I won't be there for them to kick around anymore. They won't have anything to complain about. I'll just become a more efficient worker than I already am. If I have to, I'll tape my fucking mouth shut. I don't care about the job. I care about the animals. I'm here for the animals. Not for fucking friends. Doc made that clear. Fuck him and that fucking job. That's right...I said it. Let it be fucking known. I'm just here til I either: a) graduate or b) get something else.

Men...next topic...well. Still the same story. Really, there's no one but The Teacher. And he's getting close to nothing. Since I last wrote...let's see. He moved in with an Ex of mine, to save money. So due to the circumstances, we really didn't see much of each other for awhile. I was busy on some weekends and we just didn't really hang much. He did explain that when he was moving in with the ex that they discussed "our" situation and the ex wasn't comfortable with the idea of always having me around. Now since that point, things have changed. The ex and I have gotten on better terms, and the teacher...well...ok.

He and I and Deanna went camping in the beginning of October. During that little get a way he was very affectionate and it was just...oh it was so nice. When the trip ended, he told me that he knew my schedule was not the best but that he would like to find a way to see more of me. I was elated. Could he be coming around? Could he be willing to open his heart? Is he seeing how ultra fabulous I am?
That was the beginning of October. Things were good for a bit. We hung out during the week on my day off, we would see each other on the weekends...and altho we didn't talk about what was going on...it was nice.
But just...the more I'm reflecting the more i'm realizing it's just the same. He doesn't show affection or acknowledge that something is going on between us in front of the group. I mean, he'll talk to me and things like that, and in stolen moments he might grab my ass. But even tho the group TOTALLY knows something is going on, we might as well just be casual acquiantences. But he has NO problem showing affection to me in front of Deanna. When I'm saying goodbye with the group present...nothing. But the other day, after Black Wednesday, I took him home and De was with us. He gave me a hug and a kiss goodbye. I just...I don't get it.

I know I need to talk to him. I'm debating about when. Part of me wants to talk to him about this now...get it out and off my chest cuz it's weighing me down. But part of me wants to wait until after New Years. Not that I'm expecting a romantic night or anything like that...but just...if something doesn't work out I don't want it to be ackward for the group.

Sigh. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm coming second. Not just with him. With most of the guys I've "dated" lately. I'm tired of feeling like I'm at their convenience. When THEY want me.

I know guys, I know they'll say/do/be whatever you want just to get in your pants. But just...sometimes when he and I are together...

I just gotta stop. Everything. I just gotta get myself to say it to him. Like Fresh said...I have NO PROBLEM speaking my mind in all other areas/aspects of my life. But for some reason, matters of the heart are hardest.

Just gotta get to the breaking point.

It just keeps getting better....

Boss was in a shitty mood when I got to work. Thankfully he left early. So I thought the night would be going a little better.
I get off work, after 9pm. Stop at my friends house to pick up mail....School stuff...my loan...SWEET, I think.
Get to my car. Open. "you still owe us $1000 after your loan. It is due by August 15th."
A slip of paper falls out. "You MUST return your completed loan information by August 8th." WHAT? Check the post-mark. It was STAMPED to be MAILED from JOLIET on AUGUST 4TH! Which means it PROBABLY didn't get OUT until the FIFTH!
"We will NOT hold classes after this date."
WOAH, WOAH, WOAH!!!!! I JUST got the letter TODAY! Are you effing kidding me? This is about nine thirty at night, when I can't do anything about it.
So what do I do? Cry. It's all I can do. I'm SO frustrated with school bullshit right now, it's ridiculous. There's SO much paperwork bullshit I STILL need to finish and school starts in TWO WEEKS!!!
They mailed my co-op/chargeback thing to me. I thought they were going to mail that to the school. So I'm still being charged out of district fees and GOD ONLY KNOWS when THAT situation will be straightened out so I'll probably have to try to magically pull a little over a grand that I don't have. Sigh.
This means that tomorrow I have to take the day off from my part time job and head out to Joliet (paperwork and shitty post-marked envelope to prove it) to try and figure this gigantic mess out. Sigh. I just PRAY TO GOD I'm still enrolled in classes. If they tell me my classes got dropped and I have to wait another year....harumph!
Hopefully, i'm enrolled. Otherwise I go to the professor of the program and tell him my sob story. He should be able to assist me in this situation.
Sigh. It's just very aggravating and I'm just about ready to give up on this whole thing. If only, if only.
Anyhow. I'm gonna get to bed. Have to be up early to trek to Joliet to figure all this out to get to my FULL TIME job by 3pm.
I'm beggining to hate this shit.

Things I'm Looking Forward To...

1. Renaissance Faire this Sunday
2. The DVR that will be installed on Monday (Now I can finally make sure I don't miss my fav. shows!)
3. Getting HBO!
4. September 7, 2008. That is the start date for my soon to be new favorite show! My favorite author Charlaine Harris is having her Sookie Stackhouse series turned into the show True Blood on HBO (hence the reasons stated above)
5. Getting everything finalized for school
6. The actual START of school!
7. Hoping to camp in September before it gets TOO cold!
8. Cousin and baby supposedly moving out TODAY! SWEET!

9. My first delivery from Blockbuster Online. Signed up today. I'm too lazy to go to the store. Haha. Kidding. There's one nearby...just not as close as I'd like. :D
10. The WEEKEND OFF!!!!!!
11. Working on the pin up tattoo. Got a book of pin ups with some ideas....oh man, the ache is coming back!

That's a good enough list for now. Just wanted to throw up a new blog. Think I finally have the school stuff under control. Just waiting to hear if I get it or not. Keep fingers crossed.

Gotta get back to work. ENJOY!

School....YARGH!

Really, really...this is just getting FRUSTRATING! I'm serious!

So...I'm trying to get everything together for school. It starts in less than a month. I was denied Financial Aid and I do plan on appealing that decision.

I filled out an application for a loan from JJC. I was told at the time that I had to fill out this loan counseling thing online. I fill it out, print out the page like I'm supposed to and call JJC to find out if I can fax it in. I'm told at that time that I don't need to submit it. They have the record online and are trying to decrease the amount of paper in the office. Cool. Well, they can get my record then. I'm done. :D

I go to Prairie State to fill out for the Chargeback. That basically allows me to pay in district rates even tho I don't live in district. I bring my acceptance letter and my class schedule with me. I think I just pick up the paper, badda bing, badda bang, badda boom right? Wrong.

I have to sit and wait for a counselor. Why? "We need to be sure you have all the necessary pre-reqs accomplished." Um, I have my class schedule, which starts August 25. I think I have all my classes. But I sit and wait. I get called, walk with the counselor to her office, tell her why I'm here only to get back up and head back to the front. Where she grabs a piece of paper. I again get the schpeel about pre-reqs to which I AGAIN explain and show my class schedule. They fill out the paperwork and tell me it will take approximately 2 weeks. Fine. That was Tuesday the 15th.

On Wednesday the 23rd, I get a voicemail. It's Prairie State, about the chargeback. I've only taken one math according to the records and may need other pre-reqs. Wednesday was a shitty day at work, and this just pushed me over the edge. I leave a message, and MAY have had a little attitude. But I'm just getting frustrated. I explain, ONCE AGAIN, in the voicemail that I AM ENROLLED AT JJC!!!! CLASSES START AUGUST 25TH!!! If I NEEDED additional classes, JJC would have TOLD me, don'tcha think? I explain this in the message, and end it asking if we could please expedite this process as I am getting frustrated.
Thursday morning, I call the office. The woman tells me, not too happily, that she got my message and sent my letter out. I sweetly thank her and hang up.

Saturday the 26th, I pick Loren up to head to the city. I also pick up my mail, in which is a letter from JJC. I open it, and it's from the Financial Aid dept. They have not received my Loan Counseling Completion and cannot continue to process my application without it.

Now, NOW I'm just getting REALLY pissed off! I wish I could work in one of these departments at these schools. Apparently all you need is to stuff your head up your ass and have a lack of communication. I could TOTALLY do that. And of course, it's Saturday. I can't do shit about it. So I call the office today and of course, have to leave a message because these people NEVER are available (altho I wonder what the fuck they're doing because no one knows what the other is up to and I question if they work?). I explain what I was told and tell the machine or whatever that I'm just getting very frustrated by mixed signals. Waiting, of course, for a response.

It's just aggravating. Really. I didn't think it was going to be this fucking difficult to get into school. Come on!

So we'll see what happens next. I have the paper somewhere. I know I saved it...JUST IN CASE OF A SITUATION LIKE THIS....but where it is...good question.

Anyhow. I gotta jump in the tub. Let's see how this works out. God, I hope this just resolves itself soon. Sigh.

I'm gonna try it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2QyEWv4WDo

This is the link to a faboo YouTube tutorial on how to create Victory Rolls in under 5 minutes (once you've been doing them forever. For me...it would be like, 45 minutes...if not more!).

I've wanted to rock this hairstyle for SO LONG....sigh. So I'm gonna get the stuff and try it. Why not? It doesn't involve cutting my hair or making drastic changes. Let's see what I can do.

Ooh, and if you watch it, make sure to watch the end. She shows you how to get those "Bettie Page" bangs without making a commitment to bangs.

I think I know what I'm gonna be for Halloween!

Side note: I've thought about my next tattoo. I decided it WILL be the pinup girl going along the left side of my body. My, um, torso. That's it. Now the tricky part...what pix? What girl? Black and white? Color? Here's one I was thinking of...



I was thinking this would look good along the side. She would match me, so if I'm laying down she's laying down as well. I can't think of the word right now...it's almost 2am-what do you expect? :D

Here's my other thought...and I'm kinda digging this one:



Now not THIS girl exactly, but maybe a similar idea. I was even thinking a girl walking a dog...and then I could incorporate my little dog, Teddy. Not only that, but it would also deal with the fact that I'm a total animal lover...

But I kinda want a "classic" pinup girl...is there really a "classic" pose? Meh...I've got time to figure it out. Plus, if I get a good artist they should be able to help me construct what I'm looking for.

Just some ideas. Feedback is appreciated.

ANYHOW...I'm dragging my ass to bed. Goodnight, and fare thee well!

I'm better now...I guess.

I'm just stressed. I'm trying to figure out so many different things. I've been busting my ass at work to make money. Like I said, I was denied financial aid, and yes, I'm going to appeal the decision. But until then I still need to figure out how I'm going to pay for my classes, so I'm trying to make sure I'll have money. I still won't have all the money if the cost is close to what the one girl said at the open house or whatever. I'll have about $800 bucks. I did apply for a loan, and am just waiting to hear the decision on that. That's what I did on Friday.

So that's been on my mind. I'm excited to be going back to school. And for the purpose of obtaining a degree. FINALLY! Haha. But I don't really regret waiting. The only thing on my mind now is whether or not I want to get the bachelor's degree. The thing is, if I want to do the 2/2 thing and go straight for the bachelor's after my associates, the closest school is Purdue Lafayette. Otherwise, instead of having a bachelor's and associates in four years, I'd have to go for another 4 years to a different school. I'm not making sense, am I? Well, I have a little time to figure out what i'm going to do with myself...and really, still need all the time I can get for that. Haha.

So in the "love" or lack thereof department...I'm just gonna give up. And I know I've said it before. But I'm just tired. I'm done. I don't know why love is so elusive to me...all I can hope is that one day it'll be like everyone tells me. It'll just hit me when I least expect it and sweep me off my feet. I just hope he's worth the wait, cuz it's been one helluva wait. Sigh. And I hope I don't miss him, know what I mean?

But with Steel Rod...I don't know what happened there. I know he's been working alot..but just...working or not. If you're into someone, you'll make an effort. And just, he was making a half assed effort I felt. I don't know. I mean, I know his job is draining. I think I just fell into old habits. Not necessarily

Haha...funny. I always call it. I told Kim earlier, as soon as I'm about to write someone off...they have this MAGIC way of popping back up. I'm shaking my head right now.

Anyhow. I'm gonna go listen to some Rufus Wainwright and reflect. But wanted to post a new blog stating that I'm ok. Just needed to blow off some steam. :D

But thanks guys...nice knowing you worry about me. Haha.

Until next time...

I gotta get out...

Between the family, the dating, the job...I just wanna run away and pull the earth over me.

I can't take the HOWLING, the SCREAMING! I KNOW she's only a child. But I just...I can't relax when she's home. I just...I can't sleep, I can't nap, I can't live MY life. When the FUCK are they moving out?

I'm tired of being the ass in the social circle. Sometimes, well, a LOT of the times, it's just tired. Been done. Haha...let's pick on Paula. You know what, let's not? Sure, I make bad decisions in my life...sure, you may believe I'm fucking the entire states of illinois and indiana...

You know what, I just don't even want to talk about it. I'm just tired.

Tired of my job. Tired of picking shitty men. Tired of being judged. Tired of it ALL. I just want to run away.

Oh yeah, I disabled comments for this post. I'm just ranting. I don't need encouraging words, even tho I thank you for the thought. I just need to get these thoughts out of my head.

The Insanity Is At An End...

With work at least...and for four days. The rest of the insanity in my life...oh yeah, that's still going on.

I'm trying not to over-analyze. I'm trying not to commit relationship suicide....sigh.

As I told Lo...I'm just an Instant Gratification Girl. Sigh.

Anyhow. Have the next four days off. Tomorrow I'm heading to Joliet for the time trials. Hope I can figure out a way to get to the pits and meet my future husband...only to overanalyze our entire conversation and everything there after. Haha.

Sigh...time to just be lazy.

Oh yeah, the new thing with Steel Rod...texting and then not replying once I respond. Sigh...I just give.

Weekend Recap...

Well, working on day 6 of 9 straight. Sigh...

Anyhow. Thursday night I went to Beecher to the Beer Garden. It was fun. Got into some shit, with a guy, but nothing big. And to ashamed to tell the story here. Just know that it was a learning experience, and boy did I learn.

Friday I had to work. Sigh. But hey, 3.5 hours of time and a half. Since I got denied Financial Aid and looks like I'll be getting either a loan or paying for the classes myself, I need all the money I can get. (And I'm doing REALLY well with finances...I'll blurb later).

Friday after work I went to Steel Rod's (as Fresh calls him). That's the new guy. Things were going well. He asked me if I was working this weekend. He and some friends were going to St. Louis on Saturday for the Cubs game. Sadly, I had to work. But, that was like, an invitation right? I mean, he asked if I had to work and went right into the Cubs thing...and was like, "Shitty" when I said I had to work.

Now, here's where things get sticky. So people were going to be staying over at his place in preparation for Saturday. There were supposed to be 8 people going. Well, the only one that ended up coming over was this girl. She's friends with his guy friend's wife (make sense?). Anyhow...apparently she had stayed there a few weekends ago after the guy friend's wedding. And was going to be staying again that night. When I left him as of 10pm Friday night, it looked like she was the only one.

Now...he told me about her. Told me she stayed the night. I was there when she came over. It wasn't ackward and there didn't seem to be anything going on (you know how sometimes you can tell...). Anyhow.

I had to go home due to working at 7am on Saturday and he and said girl were meeting up with the friends. He kissed me goodbye in front of her and told me he'd tell me about the game.

And that's the last I've heard from him.

Should I be concerned? Am I just thinking too damn much? Or am I justified? I mean, yes, we're not in a relationship. But he has said that he's not shy about us...

Sigh. I hate dating. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I just wish I could pull my head out of my ass long enough to figure out a situation. And my gut isn't helping me out on this one either.

I just need to start practicing patience. I need to just breathe. As a book Fresh gave me says, I need to W.A.I.T.-"What am I thinking?" Well, maybe not. Because my problem is my thinking. Le Sigh.

Anyhow. Input would be greatly appreciated.

So, Saturday was a day at work....from hell. One of the coworkers called off...on our VOICEMAIL and didn't even attempt to find a replacement. NOT cool. We were short handed and the weekend of/after/around a holiday is INSANE! After work, I just went home to bed. No sense in going out when I had to work today, even tho I got to be the "late" one.

Today....sigh. I did NOT want to wake up. My body was crying for more sleep. I get up, get to work...first thing we get....a C-Section. Collie with 7 pups. There's 3 techs. Two of us are in with these puppies. My boss keeps pulling them out and handing them off. He's telling us to hurry. Now, usually, for a C-Section there are more techs and a doctor or 2 available. Oh no. Not on Sunday. Because as WE'RE in the C-Section, the other 2 doctors are seeing the patients that have started coming in. There's ONE tech in the treatment area and she's getting swamped. And not to toot my horn, but I was the most experienced staff member. The other tech tries to go in to see what she can do in treatment, and I'm left in surgery tying off 7 puppy umbilical cords as they're squirming around. Not only that, covered in afterbirth and placenta and goo...it was NOT an easy task. MEANWHILE, my boss is yelling at me to hurry up to get into treatment cuz they're getting their ASS kicked. It was fucking NUTS! On top of that, I wanted to get to the beach. That's the MAIN reason the day was crazy. I made plans for after work. Anytime someone makes plans, work is fucked. It was just back to back cases. And nothing was easy. Bloodwork to run, and one of our machines is acting up...xrays to take. We had to take xrays on a GREAT DANE. You can't see me right now, but I'm shaking my head. It was ridiculous!

All the while I'm keeping one eye on the clock. I send one tech into surgery so she can start cleaning. I'm in treatment trying to keep things going...and noon is FAST approaching.

I didn't leave til 12:45p. Sigh. And you know what, my boss didn't tell me "Great Job" today. I worked my ASS off...and being with the staff I had. Sigh.

But I did make it to the beach. Finally! Got a little color on my back/shoulders. Need to work on more color, but we'll have more lazy Sunday's on the water.

After dinner at Quaker Steak and Lube I just lounged at home and watched a movie.

Back to work tomorrow. My day off is not until Thursday...but that's the day I hope to meet Dale Earnhardt Jr. Scratch that, Thursday IS the day I MEET Dale. :D

At least I have something to look forward too. (And like I keep telling y'all...you NEVER KNOW! As much as I SAY I'll marry Dale Jr....what if? Haha)

Hey...a girl can dream. Especially when her dreams are SO much better than real life!

Lifetime Movie Network has my mother brainwashed...

It's true. It's all she seems to watch anymore. And because the computer is in the living room, I'm stuck listening to it.

Currently, the movie, "I, Me, Wed" is on. It's about a woman who decides to have a wedding and "Marry" herself. She's sick of all the pressure from her mother and girlfriends to get married and have a wedding, so she decides to just marry herself. How witty and clever.

Of course, in the process she meets a man and begins to fall in love....crap crap crap.

Anyhow.

Went to a Demo Derby in Joliet last night. It was SO much fun. Can't wait for schoolbus races at Illiana Speedway July 26th. SWEET!

But yeah, it was great. Not only were the races fun, but oh my God...watching all the rednecks. HILARIOUS! They were just...words cannot express...I'm shaking my head at this moment. Haha.

Anyhow. Other than that it's just been a weekend off. Went out on Friday for my girl Jenn's 21birthday. That was fun. Later that night I went to Shawn's.

I think things are going well. I like the fact that he's no bullshit and will call you out on shit. We haven't had a serious "talk" yet. Melissa things I'm waffling...but you have to understand...he's an ironworker. And in summer, that's not the best job. He has to wear long sleeve shirts and jeans to protect from the sparks. He deals with intense temperatures for anywhere from 8-14 hours (yes, 14 hours). You should see what he looks like after work. I've gone over when he's just gotten off work, showered and just passed out on the couch.

Yes, we haven't officially gone on a date...as in "out in public." But between our work schedules and working weekends....

We'll see what happens. I really don't feel this is just a booty call...but still being cautious.

Anyhow...anyhow.

I'm gonna go eat some rice now. Enjoy the rest of your weekend people!

Happy Father's Day...

So today is Father's Day. And, as usually is the case, it is also the 13 year anniversary of my father's passing. And still, not a day goes by that I don't think of him.

I wonder what kind of person I would be if he were still alive. What would I have done differently in my life? What kind of relationship would we have? Would he still be the "hero" that I picture him as?

I'm upset that I was robbed of the opportunity to know my father as an adult, know him for the man he was. I mean, I've heard good and bad stories about him. Don't get me wrong. I know he wasn't a saint. But I was only 15 when he passed. We didn't get to the point where I hated him with that wonderful teenage angst. In some ways, my view of him is jaded, know what I mean?

I just wonder if he would be proud of who I've become, how I've turned out in life. I really wonder about that. I mean, I'm sure he's proud of me. And I'm sure he loves me no matter what.

I just sometimes rethink of when he was sick. And I know that what I went thru is difficult to process at any age, let alone 15. But I just wish I had done things differently. Spent more time with him or something. I will never forget the day that he came home from the hospital. I walk in the house to see my father lying on a hospital bed in the living room. He looked at me and reached out for me. I went over to him and he takes a pad of paper. He writes, "Daddy must be scary, huh?" And I shook my head no. It wasn't scary. It just wasn't my father lying there on that bed. The man who always held me during scary movies, the man I wrestled with, the man who braided my hair (yep, my dad could braid) and cut my bangs in that straight line across my forehead. (You can thank him for that look) haha. That wasn't my dad lying there on that bed, nothing but skin and bones, so frail, so delicate. My father should be out washing the car on the front lawn, not dying on some damn bed.

I still get angry. I wonder why he was taken from me and my family so soon. What plans could God have had for him that he needed to be stripped from us?

I'm angry. Angry he wasn't able to be there at my high school gradutation, angry he won't be there to walk me down the aisle on my big day, be there when I give birth to his first grandchild. My children will grow up knowing their grandfather as I knew mine, thru stories and pictures, never getting to know the wonderful man he was. I wonder what kind of grandfather he would have been.

I have so many unasnwered questions that run thru my head. I wonder if I ever will have the answers. I think that's a small reason why I still have a faith. I hope one day to see my father again. To hug him, smell him, hear his voice.

You'd think it'd be easy by now...but it still gets me. Oh sure, each year gets a little easier. I'm sure there are years I didn't cry. Sigh.

Anyhow. Happy Father's Day to all those dad's out there.

Yawn...sorry I haven't posted in awhile....

Nothing really too thrilling has come up as of late...and I didn't really have anything to blurb about. So instead of wasting words, I just didn't post.

So we got back from Vegas this morning...after our flight being delayed about an hour and a half. Then, apparently due to the weather we were circling the airport waiting for clearance to land. Which we did. Altho I heard from other people their flights were HORRIBLE. Casey and Andrea's flight was just like something from a movie. Apparently they were whipped around and all this other stuff, women and children screaming...no good. They had to make an emergency landing in St. Louis and Andrea refused to get back on a plane again, so they rented a car and were driving home. Our flight was not that bad in the least, really. The Captain was a little slow on take off, and seemed really low on landing....but it was alright. Just happy to get home. Altho, I'm technically not home. I'm in the Nook, listening to John snore. Haha. We didn't get here until almost 4am. It was a long day. But back in Chicago.

I heard about the weather while we were gone. Scary shit. It's especially hard when you're away and can't do anything about it! I received a phone call from a friend right after getting a text about the tornado heading for Hammond. I immediately called my mom. Here's the conversation:

Mother: Hello. (Caller ID, she knew it was me)
Me: (trying not to sound panicked) Yeah....
Mother: What?
Me: What's going on? Where are you? How's the weather?
Mother: Just watching a movie. We're fine.
Me: A movie? You know there's a tornado warning, because there's one on the way to Hammond RIGHT NOW!
Mother: (Totally calm) Yeah, it's been going on all day. It's all quiet here. We're fine.
Me: (a little apprehensive)Ok...but just listen for sirens or whatever and be careful!
Mother: I will. Love you, goodbye.

So then I find out the tornado hit a Cracker Barrel right next to where my cousin works. Thankfully, my cousin wasn't working and alright.

It's just so hard to not be here when shit goes down. Thankfully, as far as I've heard, no one in my immediate circle was injured or lost anything...be thankful for small blessing.

Anyhow. What else?

Where, there's a new guy. It's only about 2 weeks now, so we'll see what happens...but he's nice. He's 31, an iron worker, has his own place, and is looking for a relationship, not just random hook ups. We've been talking everyday, thru both phone calls and texts. We still have yet to go out on like, a real date...so I'm still guarded. But he seems like a decent guy with a good head on his shoulders...so PLEASE keep fingers crossed. They say it hits when you least expect it, and I was TOTALLY not expecting this! I had been dating his friend for awhile, actually, when the new guy and I hooked up. Hey, you snooze, you lose. And it didn't appear to be going anywhere with the friend anyhow.

Sigh. It's nice. He's nice. Let's just hope. I'm just trying to enjoy it while still keeping my guard up, at least until I get some kind of sign from him or something, know what I mean?

Anyhow. Just keep your fingers crossed.

So I'm gonna jump in the shower now. The troops at John's are rousing. We girls are gonna go get pedicures. I REALLY need one. I decided a weekend in Vegas in flip flops would be a good thing. My feet tell me otherwise. WOOF! Haha.

I'll get pix up on MySpace soon. Talk to you guys later!

So...

Yeah. Just another update. Not much TOO update...is that a good thing or a bad thing?

So a week from tomorrow I will be in Ohio! Can't WAIT! Getting really excited for all the coasters and screaming and rides and carnival type food. Mmmm...elephant ears! :D

Plus it'll be fun to go back to Put-In Bay. Beth is already promising to get another "Give Me My Phone incident." I keep telling her to keep that devil water from me! Haha.

Then, after that is Vegas! It's gonna be so much fun!

Oh, so...an update about school. I went to Joliet last week. Dropped off my financial aid information. Keep your finger's crossed.

I also talked to one of the doctor's. Discussed the bachelor's program (I never knew how to spell that...damn it). Apparently, it's a "2 and 2 program." What that means is that there are only a few schools who will accept the credits from the program at Joliet. The closest school is Purdue. Now, I don't know if that's JUST Purdue, Lafayette or if Purdue Cal will have the program. (Maybe I should look online. haha). Otherwise, I'd have to do another four years. Sigh. Well, I have a little time to think about what I'm gonna do. I have SO much shit to think about...

But, we were talking about where I'd like to end up. I was telling the Dr. about how I really want to work at a zoo. Apparently, the have a few zoos on their externship list. One being the San Diego Zoo! That would be SO awesome! I think I'm gonna try and go for that for my first externship. 6 weeks in San Diego over the summer? Oh, twist my arm! Haha. Plus, it's getting myself some exotic experience, which you have to have for most Zoos. Then, I have an 8 week externship the second semester of my second year. They have an externship at Lincoln Park Zoo, so I'd be closer to home.

I'm excited for school to start, I really am. Especially the externships. It would be SO cool if I get the San Diego Zoo. Hope no one else wants it. Haha. Keep your fingers crossed for me guys!

What else? I was gonna talk about something else...damn. Ah well.

So I still don't really know what I'm gonna do. I know Mags keeps telling me to look around, see what's out there for me. She's not the only one. But it's just, man, I'm worried about the unknown. I was saying, what if I get a decent offer, and not that I want to leave, but just get something to get my boss to counter-offer to keep me. And he doesn't? Then I have to go to the job I may not really want because my boss wouldn't "keep" me.

I know, I know. I'm opening a whole can of worms. Sigh. I just, don't want to think about it.

Anyhow. Still waiting on a date from Furry. :D I'm wondering if the difference in religion will play a major role. I mean, there's a lot of pressure for him to marry someone of the same religion. And he dated someone outside that religion before, and not that he was shunned, but mentioned that his parents never really accepted her/made her feel welcome. It's always been important to me to get along with the family.

But I mean, we still talk every night, for like an hour or more. There's been hints there, and I want to say I'm sure he has a crush, but there have been no real signs.

I think I have a way tho, of finding out. The group was talking to him about religion and dating and all that. So I was going to ask him something along the lines of, "So I know there was talk the other night, but I was wondering. Are you only looking for someone of the same religion or would a girl like me have a chance?"

Sound good? Still working on getting the courage up. I talked to him tonight, but he was on his way to his parents house and is going to be there tomorrow night as well, and not a conversation I'd spring on him then. When he might not be able to get into as much detail, ya know?

But we'll see what happens. Because guys have a way of popping back up JUST when I'm ready to write them off. I mean, the Teacher is going to be coming to Ohio...

I am still single....so I can still do what I want right? Haha. Sigh.

Anyhow. I'm getting to bed. Sweet dreams!

Construction Workers and other annoyances!

Ok, so, no offense to the few of you who are or may know construction workers...but lately there have been a few that receive the "Here's Your Sign" award.

So there is mass road construction on 167th and the corner of Oak Park Ave. One day last week I'm driving from the Shoppe to the Animal Hospital. There's a gentleman holding one of those "Stop/Slow" signs. We have the stop side. One car is in oncoming traffic. After that, clear. The car passes. I expect to get the "Slow" sign.


Nothing.

No cars coming, no cars coming, still stop. FINALLY, cars start coming. They pass, again, clear. STILL THE STOP SIGN!

It goes thru ANOTHER rotation of cars before we get the slow sign. In the meantime, I making hand gestures at this guy. WTF? Seriously?

I was late to work thanks to that jerk ass.

So today, they have 167th down to one lane and a turn lane. The corner is being repaved. We lose the light due to a cement truck moving in to position. No big deal. So the light comes again, and right before I turn, it goes to red. I'm stopped. The guy is first of all, standing in the middle of my lane. There's a car in the turn lane, and this jack ass is trying to flag me around the corner. I'm telling him I have a red light (and there is traffic going on Oak Park, so I would just have gotten hit). He's still trying to flag me around. I continue to tell him there's a red light and I can't go. He looks at me, looks at the light and the realization hits. "Then don't go." he tells me.

WHAT A GENIUS IDEA! I tell him, "I KNOW. That's why I'm STOPPED!"

Grrrr.....

Oh yeah. Side note. I was at Taco Bell yesterday trying to order. There was a line, but I had enough time so I waited. I pull up, place my order and pull around.

I go to hand the guy my credit card. "Our machine is down." I tell him I have no cash. "Sorry."

Sorry? How bout you put a sign up? Or you TELL customers your credit card machine is down BEFORE they place their order and get all excited about the prospect of eating a delicious quesadilla? JERK!

That's my rant for today. I'm sure someone else will piss me off in the meantime and I'll talk about them as well. But until then....ENJOY!

So I guess I could update y'all, or something.

First, I think I use the word "So" quite a bit. Just thought of that when I was typing the title. Meh.

Anyhow. What's new with me? Not a whole lot, really. Still at my job. But of course, you knew that. I don't know what it is about leaving that I just can't conquer. I mean, I guess it's the "FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN." Could be that. I mean, could I guarantee that I make the same, if not more, at another job? Would I have to wait to get benefits again? And how long of a wait? I can't really afford NOT to have benefits with my allergies and other monthly prescriptions. Not that I'm in the worst of health, but I get sick at least TWICE a year.

Then there's the comfort factor. I know my job, the people I work with, my daily routine. Sigh.

Don't think I'm moving out. Something came up that made me realize Boo may not be as reliable as once thought to be. I'm kinda bummed. I really was looking forward to kinda having my own joint again. I'm really trying to look at my finances and think about things, see if I could move out on my own. But I doubt I could. Harumph.

It's probably best for me to stay home. The money I would spend on gas will probably still turn out to be LESS than I'd pay for rent and all that other fun crap that goes along with living on your own. But I'm keeping an open mind in case an opportunity presents itself.

Besides, really, I'm worried about the Dragon. I mean, running GREAT right now. And yes, it's a Honda. But it has over 206,000 miles on it. Is another 2 years really possible? Sigh. Money, money, money. It's a rich man's world.

(Love ABBA)

What else? Well, I guess you could say I'm "talking" to someone now. We've been talking about 3 weeks now. Text each other during the day, and usually talk for about an hour or longer each night. He's a friend of a friend and just really makes me laugh. We can crack jokes, as I say, He sets it up and I knock it down. Teamwork, teamwork.

I THINK he likes me, but I'm not sure. I mean, I heard he was asking around about me, and the other night he put in for my part of dinner. He's always asking if I'm coming down for the weekend, telling me to call him, keep him updated on things when I'm down there. When I made mention of joining a group of friends to Vegas, he said he was really gonna try to go now.
I told him I may have Friday off, and he said he might take that day off. I told him last week that I had Thursday off and was thinking of heading to Joliet Junior College to settle up some school things. He was disappointed because if he knew I had the day off earlier he would have taken the day off too.

Now, these are good signs, right? But he hasn't asked me on a date yet. Sure, we've hung out in a group situation, and talked on in the living room at John's when everyone else was outside. But we haven't had just strictly one on one time.

He did say the other night when we were talking that he likes a girl to let him know she wants him. Did I miss a sign? Was that him trying to let me know to let him know? Isn't it obvious? But then, maybe it isn't. Cuz I'm sitting here asking the same thing, right?

My thing is, I want to be pursued. I want someone to chase me. Ask me out, I'm the girl, DAMMIT! Haha.

But would I necessarily have to ask him out? Fresh gave me the idea of just asking in conversation, "So when are we gonna go out?"

But I really like him, I have that butterfly feeling. I get all giggly and schoolgirl when thinking about him (which is a feeling I haven't had in a long time). I get nervous around him, can't even make eye contact. What if he just wants to be friends? What if...there's so many what ifs. What if he likes me, but doesn't know what to do because of religious differences? He's the first born son to Muslim parents. He's dated a non-Muslim girl before. The parents didn't condone it outright, but never really made her feel too comfortable. I know how families can be about situations.

Then I smack myself because I wonder, am I over analyzing again? Sigh.

I'm just impatient. I'm Instant Gratification Girl! I want results NOW, damn you, NOW!

I'll just keep taking things slow. I'm trying to get subtle hints in there, and for me, subtle is not something I'm really good at. Haha.

Other than that, just working. Got a few trips coming up that I'm looking forward to. It will be nice to just get away. Even for only a weekend. It's amazing how long a weekend can be sometimes!

So please, comment. Tell me I'm a dork. Tell me to relax. Tell me, just TELL ME!

I'm going to bed now. I slept decently for once in the past week and a half. Hoping for a repeat performance this evening. Now if I could just crawl in bed without turning that damn TV on...

Wish me luck!

Remember how I said I'm not the Asshole? Scratch that!

Work sucked big hairy sweaty balls last night. Not only did I go in at noon to relieve a fellow coworker (whom I owed, not pissed about that at all)....but then didn't LEAVE work until 9:30pm. At least my next paycheck will be hella fat.

But it's not that. Oh no. Boss and I had another row. He was off on Sunday for his granddaughter's baptism. Sunday was nice and quiet and slow until about 11:30. Doc had scheduled a c-section for noon on Sunday. Well, the woman calls at ten and says she thinks the dog is in labor and is on her way in. So that gets there early, and Dr. T goes into that. Dr. J and Dr. M are left to deal with clients. It was kinda crazy, but things were going. Nothing was a simple client. They needed bloodwork, x-rays, ultrasounds. It was crazy, but all of us that worked thought it went alright.

Flash forward to Monday. Evil B, the ancient woman who preceded Doc in the clinic tells him that clients were waiting over an hour to be seen (bullshit) and all this other crap. I was the lucky staff member he confronted, and also the only one there who worked Sunday at the time.

I told him what I remembered. I couldn't recall exact times, and I TOLD him that. He asked why Dr. T went into the c section early when it was scheduled for noon. I told him the owner thought the animal was going into labor and she was a nervous wreck about it.

He didn't like my answer, and asked 2 receptionists about Sunday. Then he comes at me. "Well THEY said she got here at eleven. I just want the truth."

Why the fuck would I lie to you about when this dog came in? I TOLD you I didn't know exact times! He just rides me real hard about it and makes me feel stupid. I get upset and go into my typical thoughts of "Fuck this job. I don't need this shit." Ruins the rest of my night basically.

Later, Dr. T comes in. She tells him THE EXACT SAME THINGS, WORD FOR WORD, that I told him. He's TOTALLY fine with her! Just says he was angry earlier and blah blah blah but that he understands. DOes he APOLOGIZE to me? Oh no. Of course not.

So one of my friends gave me a great idea. I'm gonna buy him a card along the lines of "Thanks for being a great boss!" Gonna write a letter thanking him for what a great job he does. For leading by example, and his great professionalism. He always has a kind word for us, and gives constructive criticism. My only debate is whether or not to let him know who it's from, or remain anonymous. We'll see.

Anyhow. I'm at work. I'll expand later tonight if possible. Harumph!

So....might actually be moving out!

One of my coworkers has a house available. It's in Park Forest, in the area right behind Bixby's and 7Eleven....so it's not that bad. (Yet) Haha.

But yeah...I was talking to Aaron. His bro is getting married soon, and their lease will be up at the end of the summer. I've lived with him before. He's tolerable. And there'd be no weird sexual tension or anything.

The house is a cute 2 bedroom, 2 car garage, fenced in back yard. HUGE living room. It's really cute.

I talked to my coworker on Wednesday about it, was off today, so maybe I'll hear something on it tomorrow.

It would be great. Closer to work, not THAT far from the highway, it just might seem like a better deal.

I think it's time for me to grow up. Spread my wings. Haha.

So please, please, PLEASE keep your fingers crossed for me. This would be SUCH an advancement for me.

Side note...watching SHOWGIRLS on VH1. It cracks me up. The movie itself is fabulous (if you love bad acting). I mean, Elizabeth Berkley wasn't nominated for her performence? Really?
But to catch it on VH1, where it's been edited for TV...EVEN better!
(Sad fact, I actually own this movie on DVD...I know, I know)

Anyhow. I gotta hit the shower and then try to catch some sleep before work in the morning. But as of 3pm tomorrow, I'm OFF WORK until 3pm on Monday! Sweet!

Night night.

I'm not the asshole anymore!

Not sure if many of you know my rantings about work, but some of you may recall that it is not always a pleasurable place to work. My boss and I don't always necessarily see eye to eye.

But that, my friends, may be a thing of the past.

I believe my days of being the asshole are at an end...keep your fingers crossed.

Instead of yelling at me all day, or directing me in things to do, he had a new bitch for that. I realized as I was cleaning. He walks into where I was, tells me what needed to be done in that area, then barked for another coworker to clean it up.

I swear, I heard angels singing. I really, really did.

Anyhow. It was a great moment. Maybe my boss is realizing that I'm stepping up and taking more responsibility and that yes, I have grown up since 1998. We'll see, we'll see.

But it was just, a really great day at work. I'm happy.

So thanks for sharing in my joy.

What's wrong with me?

So I know I said that I wouldn't sleep with certain people anymore, that I was giving up my booty calls.

And then I sleep with Mr. No Title.

And I keep saying that I'm gonna talk to him, get this shit out and tell him no more. But every time I get there, things seem to go so well. Sigh.

I'm weak. And I don't know what it is about him. I mean, I have ended things with the other "booty calls" and stuck to my guns with them. But why can't I just let Mr. No Title go?

I guess I'm hoping he'll come around. But really, do I want to wait for someone to "come around" or do I want someone who will stand up and say, "Damn it, I want to be with you!"


Maybe it's because I want what I can't have. I don't know what it is, but I wish I could just be stronger.

It's not that I just don't want to be single anymore. Not at all. It's just, I miss the companionship. I miss the things that a relationship gives you. I miss having that "best friend," someone to come home to, someone to just be there for me. And I know my friends are great and awesome, but really guys, you can't give me everything that I need...and I'm not just talking sex. But I'm sure you guys knew that.


It really hit home when my coworker passed. I was just looking for a hug, someone to tell me it was gonna be ok. Instead, I had all these jerks telling me, "I know what will make you feel better." I'll leave out the options they suggested, but I'm sure you can figure it out.

Sigh. I'm sure I'll reach my breaking point with Mr. No Title as I have the others. I just wish, I guess I wish I was worth the risk to him, ya know?

Bah. I'll get shit together eventually. I have given up on looking. Wait to see what comes to me.

One of my friends was telling me I should join EHarmony. I was like, fuck that shit. First, I'm done trolling the internet for men. Been there, done that, look where it's gotten me. Secondly, I'm not paying for that. If I'm gonna pay for it, then get me a real match maker. Haha.

Did I ever tell you my EHarmony story? After Tree Stand and I broke up the second time, I tried EHarmony. They say on all the commercials how they have all these matches and can help you find the right one, blah blah blah. So I'm at Fresh's, when she was living in Park Forest. They had dial up. So I'm online, for what feels like forever. I'm going thru all these questions, checking this, numbering this one thru five or whatever, click here, enter there. Finally they say I'm just ONE CLICK AWAY from meeting my potential matches and blah blah blah. I click.

And wait.

And wait.

And wait. "Tabulating" and "Calculating" and crap.

Finally, the page loads.

"We're sorry. There are currently no matches available for you. But check back tomorrow! New people are joining every day!"

What

The

Fuck?

I thought they had matches for EVERYONE. If EHarmony can't find a match for me, then I KNOW I'm screwed!

It was a dark moment for me...

Haha. Anyhow. I'm gonna get going. Done whining, so to speak. Enjoy. Later!

Day in the city...

So Aaron and I went to the city today. We went to the Field Museum to see the Mythical Creatures exhibit. It was cool. We kicked around the rest of the museum before and after our scheduled time for mythical creatures. Good times, good times.

After that we went to Navy Pier. Walked around there for a bit. I showed Aaron the Grand Ballroom. It is where I could have my dream reception. They had it open cuz they were gonna set up for something, not sure what. But it's beautiful...sigh.

Anyhow, I got some pictures. But they're on my phone. I'm hoping to get either a USB cable or one of those Blue Tooth transfer plugs so I can get all my pix over from my phone.

So looking forward to game night at Maggie's tomorrow. Sweet! Not looking forward to working this weekend, but at least I work Friday morning so I can still have SOME of an evening. Wee!

Anyhow. Mom just brought home Subway and I haven't been home in like, 2-3 days. :D

Later guys.

So I actually got some sleep last night!

The baby did not wake me up. Huzzah!

I have thought about taking loans out, pay off all my bills before school starts and to have some extra dough. But I didn't know how much you could (or how much I SHOULD) take out.

I really would like the idea of living on my own instead of a roommate. That just appeals to me more. I was even thinking about talking to my boss about a raise again, since I've gotten some power at work now...

Jason told me of a loan thing he went thru, but I forgot the name. I'm supposed to hang with him tonight, so I'll ask him when I'm there.

Yes, I'm hanging with Jason. I have been serious when I said No More Booty Calls and ended it with them all (and man, did some of them take it personal!). I can still hang with Jason. I haven't had "The Talk" with him yet, waiting for the right moment (i.e. when he attempts to make a move on me). So I'm guessing that talk will happen tonight. Keep your fingers crossed that I can be strong and avoid his advances.

T-School starts August 25th for me. I should get loans now because I have to get my Rabies vaccinations before school...and altho it should in turn be covered by my insurance, I have to cover the cost first.

Man, I'm kinda thinking about this moving out thing. There's this couch at the Amish Shoppe that just SCREAMS me....it would be nice to have my own little hidey hole....

Thanks for all the help guys!

Oh yeah...real quick:

I have no problem with Ramen. When I lived on my own in Crete, I survived off $0.99 Tony's Pizzas and Ramen. I can hack it.
When I go out, I don't really drink. The main thing my money is going to is gas. I fill up sometimes 2-3 times a week. I've resorted to the fact that when I'm in school, I'll probably have no life. Plus, if I have my own joint, then people can come visit me for a change! And if I had a spot between work and school, I might not be driving as much. Right now, from what I figured out, if I stay in Hammond, I will be driving 100 miles a day that I have school and work. That's the other thing, the little Wasabi Dragon. She's got 204,000 right now. I REALLY need her to last until I'm out of school...driving less would help that.

But, do you need decent credit for school loans? I mean, I know I'll have an outrageous APR, but I only have myself to blame. But if I can do it on my own without a cosigner, that would be great.

I have some things to look into...but it would be great to have my own place again...

I really can't take this anymore...

So I had to create this blog space because I need a place to vent about the goings on in my house. Some of my family members have MySpace pages, so thus I couldn't really vent there.

I don't care if I come across as whiny, but really, shouldn't I be able to sleep in my own house? To have ONE NIGHT of uninterrupted sleep? It's bad enough that I don't sleep thru the night on my own, but now I am awakened by the SCREAMS of the child.

Look, I don't have kids. I have made that decision and done what I can to stick by it. I like the fact that if I want to sleep in, I CAN! But lately, I haven't been able to do that. For almost a WEEK now, the child has woken me up. Be it 3am, 5am, 8am, or a continuous cry from 5am on. I CAN'T TAKE IT! It's especially difficult when I have to work the am shift. I have a hard enough time as it is going to sleep at a decent hour.

I just, I'm at a breaking point. I was up until 3am last night because every time I tried to sleep, the child started crying. Then, my cousin started vomiting. Then my uncle started coughing/gagging.

I really, really need my own place. Unfortunately, I have screwed myself and my credit. So I have no one to blame for my current situation than myself.

My cousin and the baby living here was only supposed to be a temporary situation. She was unable to afford living on her own when the father of her child was detained for a few months. She was supposed to live with us, get her feet back under her, and then go. Especially when the father was released.

Well, baby daddy is out. But now she doesn't know if she wants to be with him anymore. She's supposed to be looking for an apartment. Before my birthday, my mother told me that she should be moving out in about a month. It's been about a month.

Am I wrong? I mean, you guys don't understand. This child has no set structure. She's been up at midnight before. There is no predetermined bed time. The child will start crying, and sometimes it feels like at least 15 minutes before my cousin responds to her. Meanwhile, I'M the one lying there awake.

Every night that I have been home, EVERY NIGHT, I have been woken up by this kid. I might as well just have a child of my own then.

I try to stay away as much as possible. That was the one nice thing about having booty calls. At least I had somewhere to sleep for the night! Haha....

And she doesn't just cry. Oh no. It's like a HOWL! She's screamed, sobbed, gulped...my breaking point has been broken.

I've thought about moving out with a roomate. But who? Most of my friends are in relationships if not already married and living with their significant other. And who's left? And, no offense, but do I trust living with them? Will they pay their bills on time? Will they back out on me and leave me with a rent I can't afford? I have enough trouble with managing my money already.

I just know that by August, at LEAST, something has got to change. I'm not going to put myself into debt if I can't get the quality education I deserve, know what I mean?

Sigh. I'm just gonna have to figure something out. I'm sure I will. I always do. I just know that as I was lying there in bed at 3am listening to the child screaming, that was it. Breaking point has now been broken.