What's wrong with me?

So I know I said that I wouldn't sleep with certain people anymore, that I was giving up my booty calls.

And then I sleep with Mr. No Title.

And I keep saying that I'm gonna talk to him, get this shit out and tell him no more. But every time I get there, things seem to go so well. Sigh.

I'm weak. And I don't know what it is about him. I mean, I have ended things with the other "booty calls" and stuck to my guns with them. But why can't I just let Mr. No Title go?

I guess I'm hoping he'll come around. But really, do I want to wait for someone to "come around" or do I want someone who will stand up and say, "Damn it, I want to be with you!"


Maybe it's because I want what I can't have. I don't know what it is, but I wish I could just be stronger.

It's not that I just don't want to be single anymore. Not at all. It's just, I miss the companionship. I miss the things that a relationship gives you. I miss having that "best friend," someone to come home to, someone to just be there for me. And I know my friends are great and awesome, but really guys, you can't give me everything that I need...and I'm not just talking sex. But I'm sure you guys knew that.


It really hit home when my coworker passed. I was just looking for a hug, someone to tell me it was gonna be ok. Instead, I had all these jerks telling me, "I know what will make you feel better." I'll leave out the options they suggested, but I'm sure you can figure it out.

Sigh. I'm sure I'll reach my breaking point with Mr. No Title as I have the others. I just wish, I guess I wish I was worth the risk to him, ya know?

Bah. I'll get shit together eventually. I have given up on looking. Wait to see what comes to me.

One of my friends was telling me I should join EHarmony. I was like, fuck that shit. First, I'm done trolling the internet for men. Been there, done that, look where it's gotten me. Secondly, I'm not paying for that. If I'm gonna pay for it, then get me a real match maker. Haha.

Did I ever tell you my EHarmony story? After Tree Stand and I broke up the second time, I tried EHarmony. They say on all the commercials how they have all these matches and can help you find the right one, blah blah blah. So I'm at Fresh's, when she was living in Park Forest. They had dial up. So I'm online, for what feels like forever. I'm going thru all these questions, checking this, numbering this one thru five or whatever, click here, enter there. Finally they say I'm just ONE CLICK AWAY from meeting my potential matches and blah blah blah. I click.

And wait.

And wait.

And wait. "Tabulating" and "Calculating" and crap.

Finally, the page loads.

"We're sorry. There are currently no matches available for you. But check back tomorrow! New people are joining every day!"

What

The

Fuck?

I thought they had matches for EVERYONE. If EHarmony can't find a match for me, then I KNOW I'm screwed!

It was a dark moment for me...

Haha. Anyhow. I'm gonna get going. Done whining, so to speak. Enjoy. Later!

Day in the city...

So Aaron and I went to the city today. We went to the Field Museum to see the Mythical Creatures exhibit. It was cool. We kicked around the rest of the museum before and after our scheduled time for mythical creatures. Good times, good times.

After that we went to Navy Pier. Walked around there for a bit. I showed Aaron the Grand Ballroom. It is where I could have my dream reception. They had it open cuz they were gonna set up for something, not sure what. But it's beautiful...sigh.

Anyhow, I got some pictures. But they're on my phone. I'm hoping to get either a USB cable or one of those Blue Tooth transfer plugs so I can get all my pix over from my phone.

So looking forward to game night at Maggie's tomorrow. Sweet! Not looking forward to working this weekend, but at least I work Friday morning so I can still have SOME of an evening. Wee!

Anyhow. Mom just brought home Subway and I haven't been home in like, 2-3 days. :D

Later guys.

So I actually got some sleep last night!

The baby did not wake me up. Huzzah!

I have thought about taking loans out, pay off all my bills before school starts and to have some extra dough. But I didn't know how much you could (or how much I SHOULD) take out.

I really would like the idea of living on my own instead of a roommate. That just appeals to me more. I was even thinking about talking to my boss about a raise again, since I've gotten some power at work now...

Jason told me of a loan thing he went thru, but I forgot the name. I'm supposed to hang with him tonight, so I'll ask him when I'm there.

Yes, I'm hanging with Jason. I have been serious when I said No More Booty Calls and ended it with them all (and man, did some of them take it personal!). I can still hang with Jason. I haven't had "The Talk" with him yet, waiting for the right moment (i.e. when he attempts to make a move on me). So I'm guessing that talk will happen tonight. Keep your fingers crossed that I can be strong and avoid his advances.

T-School starts August 25th for me. I should get loans now because I have to get my Rabies vaccinations before school...and altho it should in turn be covered by my insurance, I have to cover the cost first.

Man, I'm kinda thinking about this moving out thing. There's this couch at the Amish Shoppe that just SCREAMS me....it would be nice to have my own little hidey hole....

Thanks for all the help guys!

Oh yeah...real quick:

I have no problem with Ramen. When I lived on my own in Crete, I survived off $0.99 Tony's Pizzas and Ramen. I can hack it.
When I go out, I don't really drink. The main thing my money is going to is gas. I fill up sometimes 2-3 times a week. I've resorted to the fact that when I'm in school, I'll probably have no life. Plus, if I have my own joint, then people can come visit me for a change! And if I had a spot between work and school, I might not be driving as much. Right now, from what I figured out, if I stay in Hammond, I will be driving 100 miles a day that I have school and work. That's the other thing, the little Wasabi Dragon. She's got 204,000 right now. I REALLY need her to last until I'm out of school...driving less would help that.

But, do you need decent credit for school loans? I mean, I know I'll have an outrageous APR, but I only have myself to blame. But if I can do it on my own without a cosigner, that would be great.

I have some things to look into...but it would be great to have my own place again...

I really can't take this anymore...

So I had to create this blog space because I need a place to vent about the goings on in my house. Some of my family members have MySpace pages, so thus I couldn't really vent there.

I don't care if I come across as whiny, but really, shouldn't I be able to sleep in my own house? To have ONE NIGHT of uninterrupted sleep? It's bad enough that I don't sleep thru the night on my own, but now I am awakened by the SCREAMS of the child.

Look, I don't have kids. I have made that decision and done what I can to stick by it. I like the fact that if I want to sleep in, I CAN! But lately, I haven't been able to do that. For almost a WEEK now, the child has woken me up. Be it 3am, 5am, 8am, or a continuous cry from 5am on. I CAN'T TAKE IT! It's especially difficult when I have to work the am shift. I have a hard enough time as it is going to sleep at a decent hour.

I just, I'm at a breaking point. I was up until 3am last night because every time I tried to sleep, the child started crying. Then, my cousin started vomiting. Then my uncle started coughing/gagging.

I really, really need my own place. Unfortunately, I have screwed myself and my credit. So I have no one to blame for my current situation than myself.

My cousin and the baby living here was only supposed to be a temporary situation. She was unable to afford living on her own when the father of her child was detained for a few months. She was supposed to live with us, get her feet back under her, and then go. Especially when the father was released.

Well, baby daddy is out. But now she doesn't know if she wants to be with him anymore. She's supposed to be looking for an apartment. Before my birthday, my mother told me that she should be moving out in about a month. It's been about a month.

Am I wrong? I mean, you guys don't understand. This child has no set structure. She's been up at midnight before. There is no predetermined bed time. The child will start crying, and sometimes it feels like at least 15 minutes before my cousin responds to her. Meanwhile, I'M the one lying there awake.

Every night that I have been home, EVERY NIGHT, I have been woken up by this kid. I might as well just have a child of my own then.

I try to stay away as much as possible. That was the one nice thing about having booty calls. At least I had somewhere to sleep for the night! Haha....

And she doesn't just cry. Oh no. It's like a HOWL! She's screamed, sobbed, gulped...my breaking point has been broken.

I've thought about moving out with a roomate. But who? Most of my friends are in relationships if not already married and living with their significant other. And who's left? And, no offense, but do I trust living with them? Will they pay their bills on time? Will they back out on me and leave me with a rent I can't afford? I have enough trouble with managing my money already.

I just know that by August, at LEAST, something has got to change. I'm not going to put myself into debt if I can't get the quality education I deserve, know what I mean?

Sigh. I'm just gonna have to figure something out. I'm sure I will. I always do. I just know that as I was lying there in bed at 3am listening to the child screaming, that was it. Breaking point has now been broken.