Anybody still reading here? Ha.

Wow. It's been awhile since I've written. I've been really busy with school and life. More school than life...which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I still find time to hang out...sometimes less than others, but I still have to make "me" time.

So I finished my first semester with school. And lemme tell you, not what I expected. I thought I'd just breeze thru, seeing as I've been doing this job for 11 years. And in some areas, sure, not a problem. But I didn't expect the challenges from certain teachers. The tests, what each one wanted in regards to answers (some would take anything...others wanted TEXTBOOK answers). Amazing.

I feel like I passed this semester. I sure pray I passed this semester. I just checked my grades online. Got 2 A's and a B so far. Suspect I'll have 2 C's in the other classes. Going into finals I had high C's in both classes, and I feel good about the finals and such. Kinda wish I had done better, but this was my first time dealing with Large Animal (cows, pigs, and the such), and my first experience with a certain teacher and his expectations. I'm gonna have a rough year and a half left. Just gonna have to memorize Scientific names, Genus and species and all that jazz. Sigh. I'm just more of a visual person. Guess I can just print pix of what I need to know and put the scientific names on them...meh.

So...what else? Work...ah yes. Work. Where shall one begin? I stop in yesterday after having most of the week off for finals. I'm there for about an hour. I'm waiting for Deanna to come in as she's been in Florida and to pick up some gifts she's purchased for me. Things seem alright. The Man is fine, but then gets in a mood. Lord only knows what set him off THIS time.

So De comes in. We're chatting. The Man calls us into an exam room along with the "Head Tech" and begins to rip into us. Apparently the fact that we're friends and get along well at work is a problem. He's had complaints, but didn't go into what the complaints actually said. I'm smelling bullshit at this point. So I'm pissed, and I know my body language is showing it. I don't really give a fuck at this point. Work has changed so much over the last month I really don't want to be there anymore. And now they're telling me I can't work with the one person that makes work more bearable.
And it's not a matter of things not getting done. We do our work. He can't, CAN'T argue that shit. But just, our friendship apparently is "Annoying."

Aw...are people feeling left out? What the fuck...are we in third grade here? Are people upset because we're not sharing our milk and cookies? Fuck that shit, dude. I like my job...per say. I like some of the people I work with...altho now I'm rethinking certain people. I can't trust anyone other than myself. Which I guess is true, I mean, in actuality you really can't trust anyone completely other than yourself. But you could at least rely on some people. I like WHAT I do. Who I do it with and for is another story.

Yeah yeah...I know. Find another job then. But in this failing economy I can't get a job making what I make and that promises me insurance and flexible schedule. And really, with as little as I've been working due to school I CAN'T take anymore of a pay cut than I have already.

But I'm not gonna NOT look. Just don't expect much to pan out from it.

I just don't like my job. It's not fun at work anymore. You should at least like what you do. It's just changing, and not for the good. There's all these new bullshit rules and regulations. I don't want to get into it. I'm just getting angry.

I'm pissed cuz I can't work with the one person I work really well with. The one person that made me look forward to work. De and I work together well. We help each other out, we get shit done. One will fill in for the other, I'll jump in when she needs a hand and vice versa. And it's not like we won't do that for anyone else. But apparently that's not how other people see it, if that bullshit is even true and I really don't think it is.

Fuck it. I'm just gonna go in and do my job. I'm not gonna chat with anyone. If someone wants to talk I'm just gonna tell them that I'm here to do my job, not socialize. And if I piss people off then fuck them. Cuz they're the ones that ruined me. I'm in no way giving in or letting them break me. I'm just gonna go along with their little bullshit system and fuck them because I won't be there for them to kick around anymore. They won't have anything to complain about. I'll just become a more efficient worker than I already am. If I have to, I'll tape my fucking mouth shut. I don't care about the job. I care about the animals. I'm here for the animals. Not for fucking friends. Doc made that clear. Fuck him and that fucking job. That's right...I said it. Let it be fucking known. I'm just here til I either: a) graduate or b) get something else.

Men...next topic...well. Still the same story. Really, there's no one but The Teacher. And he's getting close to nothing. Since I last wrote...let's see. He moved in with an Ex of mine, to save money. So due to the circumstances, we really didn't see much of each other for awhile. I was busy on some weekends and we just didn't really hang much. He did explain that when he was moving in with the ex that they discussed "our" situation and the ex wasn't comfortable with the idea of always having me around. Now since that point, things have changed. The ex and I have gotten on better terms, and the teacher...well...ok.

He and I and Deanna went camping in the beginning of October. During that little get a way he was very affectionate and it was just...oh it was so nice. When the trip ended, he told me that he knew my schedule was not the best but that he would like to find a way to see more of me. I was elated. Could he be coming around? Could he be willing to open his heart? Is he seeing how ultra fabulous I am?
That was the beginning of October. Things were good for a bit. We hung out during the week on my day off, we would see each other on the weekends...and altho we didn't talk about what was going on...it was nice.
But just...the more I'm reflecting the more i'm realizing it's just the same. He doesn't show affection or acknowledge that something is going on between us in front of the group. I mean, he'll talk to me and things like that, and in stolen moments he might grab my ass. But even tho the group TOTALLY knows something is going on, we might as well just be casual acquiantences. But he has NO problem showing affection to me in front of Deanna. When I'm saying goodbye with the group present...nothing. But the other day, after Black Wednesday, I took him home and De was with us. He gave me a hug and a kiss goodbye. I just...I don't get it.

I know I need to talk to him. I'm debating about when. Part of me wants to talk to him about this now...get it out and off my chest cuz it's weighing me down. But part of me wants to wait until after New Years. Not that I'm expecting a romantic night or anything like that...but just...if something doesn't work out I don't want it to be ackward for the group.

Sigh. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm coming second. Not just with him. With most of the guys I've "dated" lately. I'm tired of feeling like I'm at their convenience. When THEY want me.

I know guys, I know they'll say/do/be whatever you want just to get in your pants. But just...sometimes when he and I are together...

I just gotta stop. Everything. I just gotta get myself to say it to him. Like Fresh said...I have NO PROBLEM speaking my mind in all other areas/aspects of my life. But for some reason, matters of the heart are hardest.

Just gotta get to the breaking point.