Miss my daddy...

Each year I think I'm getting better and better. Maybe because I'm away from home this year, who knows. But I'm really missing my dad this time. Do I go thru this every year? I don't know. But I wonder...wish I could have one more conversation with him. He'd be 55 tomorrow. Still a spring chicken by today's standards.

You never really get over the death of a parent, especially if you think it was before their time. I mean, yes, parents die. People die. It's gonna happen to us all. But to be robbed of that so soon? I think of all these things from the past 14 years. How would they have been different. I know I've said it before, and I'm going to say it again and again. Until the day (hopefully) he and I are reunited and he can tell me for himself.

I'm sure he's proud of me. I'm back in school, I'm doing well. I'm not on drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, I'm not in an abusive relationship (the one I have with myself TOTALLY doesn't count, haha). I really think I've grown a lot this last year. I knew what I had to do for my internship in regards to actually saving money, and I did it. I could have saved more and started saving longer before, but I have had and have kept a savings account for quite awhile now. And yes, it IS dwindling. But I have really cracked down on spending. I know what I need, what I want, and what I really and truly can't live without (food, it's all food). Haha.

I just wonder if I'm following God's plan. And on that note, I'd REALLY like to know what the hell that plan is! Maybe if I knew what I was supposed to be doing that would make it easier on me? :P

I just, I always re-evaluate my life around this time of year. With both his birthday and passing date so close together, it just hits hard. But I guess I would just rather have it once a year than to feel this way twice.

I guess I never really coped with it. I mean, who does/who can? And like I said, maybe because I'm away from home this year. I just, sometimes I wish I had my daddy. Know what I mean? Every girl in some way is still their father's daughter. At least I know I am. God, I miss that man. I just plug along hoping I'm doing him proud and keeping his memory alive. That's all I can do, right?

But if only I could have one last conversation with him. One last hug. One last time to tell him I love him. Even tho I do every day. I forgot what his voice sounded like.

It was funny, I was at Big Lots before I left for my trip, just looking for a few random things. Down the aisle with all the hair products, they had a bottle of Vitalis. It was the hairspray he used, one of the few things I remember him wearing. He wasn't really a cologne kinda guy. So I took the bottle and opened it and took in a deep breath. And for a moment, I could remember. I was back in my bathroom in the old Park Forest house, with the black and white tiled floor, and the ugly, like, "mirrored" wall paper we had. I remember the bathroom smelling like his hairspray after he'd gotten ready for work. Even then I'd open the bottle and smell, just to feel him near. Nice that I can still do that I guess.

Anyhow. It's almost eleven o clock and I have to get up early tomorrow. Another fun filled day at the zoo. Just had to cry a little. But great, now I'll be all puffy eyed at work tomorrow. Damn it! Haha.

I love you dad. And I will continue on in your memory for the rest of my life. I am a part of you. And that can't be taken from me. I'll always be your little Punk-A-Monk.

I miss you...